Never Get "Super Serious" Right Away...
Once in a while, I get an email that gets me on my soapbox, and yesterday I definitely got one of those. I feel sad for the woman who wrote this, but it is an example of "what goes wrong" and why it goes wrong!
AND - when we see this happening to someone else, it is much easier to see WHY these things don't work. Here is the story, with locations and details changed.
Here's what happened:
I had a lover. A French lover. I met him in Paris for my first date. It was wonderful, it was great. He was in love, he circled around me. I was enchanted.
He showed me Paris. We dined in a wonderful restaurant. We laughed, we talked for hours. We got lost in each other's eyes. He had a room in a hotel (businessman).
When we drank a cocktail in the lounge he suddenly said he was tired, I think it is better that you leave. So we left the hotel.
"Wait," I said, I have to put on my coat."
"Nice coat, he said. Shows your curves... Don't we make a lovely couple?" Outside the hotel, we embraced each other. I put my head on his chest (I am small) He moved my head upwards and kissed me. Long. Then he stopped a cap and I got in.
The next morning I send him a text: "Marc, thank you for a great evening. You made me feel like a princess!"
Nothing. He didn't send anything back.
In the evening I send another mail. "Marc! I missed the train! I am in a hotel in ___! Wish you were here!"
When I got home, I sent him an email; I couldn't suppress the urge. It was passionate and understandably strongly influenced by what happened on our date.
Four days after our date I received this email:
"Having now read all your recent texts and emails, it's clear to me that you really shouldn't come to Paris to see me next month. As I said, I did have a great time and I think we do have a good connection, but you are clearly falling in love with me (or the idea of me) and so I think it would just cause a lot of problems if we continue to meet up, other than when you happen to be in Paris for other reasons.
"You have nothing to lose, but I do, and you still seem to have a very clear idea of where this is all going: '...I have no expectations of our first encounter'.
"I know this seems very blunt, but I'm trying not to let you too close for both our benefit.
Maybe in another life...."
I am so hurt. Mimi, what on earth has happened? Why did he send me this terrible mail?
What did I do wrong? He is the love of my life... Please, please help me. Is there any hope?
(All names, locations, and identifying details have been changed.)
"Never Get Super Serious on the First Date - Even If He Does!"
Thanks for sharing this story. Unfortunately, there are many, many ways where things went wrong. "Let me count the ways..."
And take heart because he has not totally closed the door yet, so yes, there is a ray of hope... but you absolutely must change how you're handling this, muy pronto!!
1. No matter HOW amazing things are on a first date - do not, do not, do not get super serious!
Even if he seems to get super serious!
This particular man is great with the compliments - but compliments are just words and you did not know the real man yet.
Compliments are intended to make you feel good and show that he notices you as a woman. There is nothing wrong with them. But any savvy woman knows that others can use compliments to get you to do things you may not otherwise be inclined to do.
So on a date, accept a compliment with pleasure, but don't read anything into it! You still have to get to know the real person to see if he really turns out to be everything you think he is.
When you respond to a man's "super romantic" ways in the exact same way - you end up scaring him off (99 times out of 100).
A man like this is trying to "chase" you - and where women go wrong is - they let themselves get caught way too fast!
Now his first giveaway that he was not going to turn out to be the man you thought was when he said, "I think it is better that you leave."
For a man to say that in the middle of a date, to me, is a clear sign that he will bail on you without warning at any time! It's also amazingly rude. I would have personally have said said 'sayonara, baby' and gone home to listen to that Britney Spears song, "Womanizer" - except that with that one statement he had effectively disqualified himself as even holding that title!
2. When you told him he made you feel like a princess, you sent the wrong message, in my opinion. You told him that most men do not treat you like a princess. And that is not a good message to send.
You also sounded way too happy about the date.
A man does not want to hear that a woman went home from a date on cloud 9 (until later in the relationship when you really actually HAVE a relationship). That too can scare him off. It tells him that you are already "in love"! No, no, no! Too soon!
Don't forget - the chase is what it's all about. This man heaped on the compliments because he enjoys the chase - not because he wanted to win your hand quite yet.
3. When he did not answer your email - that was Big Red Flag #2. And that was where you should have stopped contacting him. And of course, as your "Aunt Mimi" I'm telling you that you should not have even sent him the email in the first place, girl!!
(Exasperated slap on the head)
But I know why you did, Chloe - it's because you have not been in the hands of a man like this and you were trusting what he was telling you - without knowing that it's a jungle out there, and the wise woman needs to go in prepared for the dangers.
Naturally, when a man ignores an email - even if he has not seen it yet - don't write another one.
But women do this all the time, and that's why I wrote some of my books, to help women restrain the urge to contact him!
Let's say he didn't see your email yet. However, when he does see it, he also sees that when you didn't get an answer, you wrote him again, and again, and he's now Googling the Stalker Hotline in his area, just in case....
So we have 2 problems here - not seeing his Big Red Flags, and responding too seriously to him when you were JUST on an initial date.
"It's just a date" - keep that in mind when you are with someone brand new.
When they pile on the compliments, that's great, but take it with a grain of salt. The guy still needs to prove himself, and that takes time.
After the date - let him be the one to get in touch.
Trust me, this ONE thing can make a huge, huge difference.
When he does not get in touch - do nothing! Check the obituaries if you must, but do nothing!!! I mean it!!
A man like this has SOME potential - he did take the time to write you a reasonable response. He did leave the door open. He was quite normal in his response. It sounds like you did not sleep with him (gee, maybe that is why he told you to leave... ? If so, that stinks). I hope you didn't.
So to get back with this man, make sure that you keep it light and casual. Don't discuss your rapture about the first date. Don't get in touch except possibly to let him know you'll be in his area and can only see him for an hour. And then make it an hour. And keep it light and breezy!
I truly wish Chloe the best in this dating jungle! I hope she'll take my advice and "play hard to get." And with a man like this, that is more important than ever.
Call it what you want, but playing hard to get is all about not giving your heart over lock, stock, and barrel when it's just plain way too soon! Enjoy the ride! It's not even the 2nd quarter yet! Slow down!
Play the game and have fun in the process (you BOTH will have a lot more fun). Make memories that will last a lifetime.